A few days ago someone asked me if I was happy. I paused before answering. That pause came from two sources. First, I’m normally the person asking others that question, so it was a bit surprising and refreshing to be asked. The second source of the pause came from a desire for my answer to be the truth. It is so easy to give a quick response when asked such things. “How are you?” “Good.” “Are you happy?” “Yes.”
I want the answers to these questions to be truthful, thoughtful, and considered. The last couple of years have had some really hard times. I wanted a minute to think about what being happy means, and if I really am.
My definition of happy has changed over the last few years. Happy used to fell like all things were good, there was no pain or tension, no sense of urgency. Happy has grown into something different. Now happy is knowing many things are hard and always will be, and that I can pour my blood, sweat, and tears into making them better. Happy is knowing that things don’t last forever, and that a sense of urgency can help you to savor everything you are experiencing. Happy is working through pain, being patient with yourself, and gleaning knowledge from the process. Happy is accepting imperfection and inconsistency in myself and others.
Am I happy? You bet I am. A more complete happy than ever.
In other news…
In five days I will be hurtling through the air on my way to pick up ChinChin and the first long road trip in too many years. This week is slated to be a very busy one, but the bubbles of joy and excitement are beginning to form along the inside of my soul, the way bubbles form along the bottom of a pan right before it boils. I can’t wait to be hot, sing out loud to unending playlists, see lightening bugs, eat all the food, hug the ones I love, evangelize for open source, and feel the deep, still peace that comes when you see so much of the world in a few short weeks. My wandering heart craves this like few other things.
Dad has been an excellent project manager, and we’ve put our faith in the mechanic’s ability to get ChinChin’s guts ready for the road.
This song keeps running through my head:
If I can just get packed, finish up my work projects, and get beyond the annoying crush I currently have, it is going to be one heck of a great summer.